1.16.26

Had the best dinner of my life last night. I am a pescatarian on special occasions

1.12.26

Feeling very grindsetsignma except I'm not actually doing that much of my job... Trying my best to budget/ plan/ organize even though at my heart I am a slovenly person. Deryk bought a crazy full spectrum light for morning meditations and when I sit under it I picture a little battery icon going up above my head.

Turning 27 tomorrow! Not really having a lot of feelings about that but I guess they will come. I am excited to party with my friends on Friday and go camping on Sunday. Callie just came by with a beautiful basket of German and Irish snacks for my birthday and I almost cried. Shoutout callie also shoutout siob for the best mashed potatoes I think I've ever had last night. Busy week of loving my friends to come...

1.9.26

reflecting on the 10 year anniversary of 2016 and found the selfie I took of me and ashley the day she broke up with me. there are tears in her eyes but I am smiling? And then after that are a bunch of texts screenshots including some where I try to convince her to smoke weed with me and she doesn't want to and I say "totally, you should feel really safe for your first time," which I think is a really funny thing to say about weed. One of our biggest fights was because ashley didn't know where machu picchu was and I told her that it meant that she didn't care about the people of peru (lol). I always thought I got so mad about this because I went on a solo trip to peru shortly before we dated, and I guess I thought that she should know about that or something. but actually I went on that trip at the end of 2016 and we broke up in the begining of 2016. So now I wonder if during that trip I was going HA, ashley would NEVER care so much about the people of peru... look at me, IN peru! Had to stop looking at photos from 2016 because I have never been more beautiful than I was at 17

1.7.26

Would rather pick my eyelashes off one by one than work this week. The honda is fine, just some bumper damager (ty to those concerned) but I thought about hamming it up and trying to get a day off for being hit and runned. Except that doesn't make sense because everyone knows I walk to work for my in-office days and it took like 40 minutes to file all the necessary reports.

I found my resolutions last year and they were to watch more movies [PASS] read more [FAIL] and go to bed earlier [QUESTIONABLE PASS?]. I set the bar low and half delivered. I do feel like 2025 was big and good though... Applied to and started grad school, hit 1 year at a job that I like, planned this big trip to Alaska and then went on this big trip to Alaska... bought a car, did a lot of work for my mom, hit one year of hosting writing club and started editing writing club zine... little trips with Ashley and my family, writing and collaging a little more... I listened to twice as much music in 2025 than 2024, I think because of music leauge which I love lol. Lowkey I am also proud of hosting people overnight so much and often, though I do not feel very good at it... it's just nice to have something to give. And not my win but I am proud of Deryk for going back to school as an old person and finishing his physics degree this year so we can finally DINK it up.

I forsee a move out of Philly in 2026, which I am sad and curious about. Best and most terrifying scenario is that I successfully get my mom's house ready to sell and buy a house with her and deryk in the suburbs. But in my heart of hearts I do not think it will come together, at least not yet. Maybe she would be ready by the end of the summer if we keep up this pace, but our lease is up in May. Deryk is really wants to move because he loves his job but drives over an hour to work everyday. We have been together for more than 6 years and I have never made a life decision based on his needs... I am resistant to the idea. However... when I came back from alaska I felt so depressed looking at the piles of trash outside my house, breathing the polluted air, being awoken by traffic noise outside. I have been day dreaming about moving to a state park or preserve on the edges of regional rail. I have a reoccuring vision of a winter sunrise on a hilly field, with frost covering the grass and the sky pink and clear. For my birthday, I asked deryk to plan a january car camp trip mostly because of this sight I am craving. But what if I could wake up to it every day... what if I could walk for miles in the trees and swim in natural waters right from my house in the summer... I think it would make it worth it...

It is hard to know what the right things are. I was so scared to move out of my studio and in with Deryk, which is such small beans... When you have been very unhappy and then get yourself to relative happiness, it feel like such a precious thing that you need to hold onto and not mess with.

One thing about 2026 is that I have so much travel planned... very lit about that, although it's really more than I can afford. Maybe in 2026 I will do these big moves and travel a bunch and then in 2027 I will stay put and get my money up.

12.27.25

Feeling very beautiful in this honda crv. Deryk is driving a little too fast and my sister is playing good music. I am drunk from my dad's Christmas party and watching the perfect half moon. Sarah just turn on vampire empire which makes me think of ashley and her journey... we are all on our journeys and I love us all because I had 3 glasses of processo and life has been good to me

12.17.25

Writing club so lit yesterday it made me evaluate if i should be partying more. And then I woke up late with a huge headache

12.16.25

All I want to do is be home and playing baulders gate with Deryk... I am so lit for christmas break <3 almost done my crafting and gifting. Made a new batch of soap and am experimenting with linocut prints on fabric. Got so many submissions for the zine and am really testing the limits of font size... not a bad problem to have though. I feel kind of bad I did not submit but nothing really came together for me and there's no space left. We may have graduated from mini zine but I love how cute and little it is. I made the collage for the cover at least and am happy with it.

Imaginging Margot and Ashley in my christmas house <3 eating cookies and vaping <3 Soon................

12.1.25

having a bout of ruminating and negativity which is making me realize how happy and balanced I feel most of the time... memories are coming up from my darkest times in highschool and college... times when I was betrayed and betrayed myself... remembering when my world felt crowded and dark... experiencing large amounts of fear at the potential return of this kind of negativity... could this be saturn return ?? I turn 27 in January

11.12.25

Had off yesterday because I worked maybe 25 hours of evening and weekend for homecoming last week... accidentally coincided with teacher friends days off so we got gobblers and watched a movie. What is better than getting h*gh and going to the movies? nothing........

11.01.25

On the bus for Ashley marathon GO ASHLEY !!!!!

Autumn in new jersey looks so beautiful from the flix bus window

I loved Halloween last night. Kayla and I got really lit in a way that was very 2019 coded, Especially since we were at the party of my 2019 roommates. I was a knight and she was sexy edgar allen poe. Upon departure we were hugging/ kissing/ confessing love etc and someone opened the door and reacted like they were walking in on something scandalous. It was funny but reminded me that kayla and I used to be gay, something I often forget in our long since platonic bliss. I fell asleep thinking how really I have three partners in this life... Ashley kayla deryk, and how I offered both ashley and kayla a romantic partnership and they both ultimately declined (lol), but now they are my best friends and that doesn't feel like a lesser partnership than the partnership with deryk. Those relationships fell into place correctly and thank god they did

10.31.25

happy halloweenie :D Spent most of the day hazy and hungover which is kind of really bad bc I have so much work to do before next Thursday. Sacrificing being good at my job so that I can spend hours creating a haunted house experience in my apartment and making pintrest halloween party foods. Lowkey after everyone went through the haunted house I was like okay we can wrap it up now. But instead we did spooky writing prompts and terrorized my downstairs neighbors way past my bed time. I love hosting but as my prefrontal cortex develops it seems more and more innapropriate to do so in my 3rd floor apartment. Tonight I will don my chainmail and terroroize someone else's neighbors

10.19.25

Yesterday ren faire with kayla and deryk and deryks friends and brother. I love the ren faire sooooo much me and kayla got so lit. I love not having to dd. I'm going back next week #lit. Cheers to many happy returns

Kind of dreading how busy I will be for the rest of the month but I think i'm just tired and if I go to bed early tonight it will be fine. I schedule so much stuff for myself in addition to the work and grad school stuff I don't schedule but theres just so much I want to doooooooo

10.15.25

Didn't like anything I wrote in writing club last night. feeling irritable or maybe just tired. We did a prompt about masks and I wrote about this time a girl I just met told me I am just "so myself," and how it feels suffocating to be "so myself," so transparent. I was like, I dont even know what it means to be myself. And then everyone was like I know what you are! And I didnt like that either

10.07.25

Went to an event where everyone puts their phones away and ponders over a topic together. Last night the questions were about choice-- choices you've made, how you make choices, when does freedom = choice and when does it not... I really liked it. I think maybe we don't really choose anything at all, but we have to pretend like we do for prosperity. Deryk sometimes says that how we feel is a choice... Whatever the thing that drives the bus of "me" is, it can be observed and changed by the "me" who is observing. I don't think I meditate to enough to fully get what he is saying, but I do think it is empowering to think of my emotional state as something I have power over. When I was struggling the most with my mental health my senior year of college, I remember having to decide: So do I seriously want to pursue killing myself? or do I seriously want to pursue getting better, because it has to be one of the two. Then we talked a little about how addiction sits on the edge of choice... how being prone to addiction is not a choice, but in order to "overcome" there is a lot of choice involved... The conversation got a little hairy here because I said that I thought it was interesting that we call alcholism a disease and not other mental health disorders, and someone said well it is a disease, and I was like well sure, but in what way is alcoholism a disease and not other compulsive behaviors, and none of us had any medical background so we all just kind of grumbled around in the definition of disease for a minute, and I felt bad for saying it

Did some work so allowing myself to journal more... Thinking about making friends... I have it in my mind to make friends with people who I look up to, but that what I like about these people is how they use their time to do cool things... making stuff, reading, improving skills and mental well-being, etc... Which is what I am attracted to, but also makes me feel self-conscious asking for any of that time

10.01.25

Have been sick since sunday and although annoying I like the excuse to stay inside and to be babied. My phone is feeding me one million videos about mothers with young children and they all have horrowing birth stories. I often wish my partner could be pregnant because I know I want to raise kids but the body horror of it all...

5.09.25

My mom keeps sending me texts about how much pain she's in and then sending me houses she thinks we should buy together. Deryk has been talking more about wanting to move out of the city now that he's done school. It seems like the universe wants me to move into a house with my ailing mother and my boyfriend. Mixed feelings... I wish I knew more people with elderly or disabled parents. My mom's pain is so real to me, but living with her is hard. No matter what I do I am on the hook for her suffering. When she dies, I want to think that I did the best I could. What is a bigger betrayal-- making the choice that I know increases her suffering (and also mine via guilt), or making the choice that I know will make life harder and worse for me. Whatever. Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself for having had a disabled mom, I try to think about the things I like about myself that were shaped by my mom. She loves me a lot and that's something

5.08.25

My deryk's family's dog died and I am so unreasonably sad about it... I feel so sluggish and leaky.. work is so busy and I can't do ittt I need to cryyyy. I just wish I knew that the last time I saw her would be the last time

5.02.25

For her birthday ridgewood gave Ashley a white husky named wendy. She smells really bad

5.01.25

Last night I met my best friend once removed (the best friend of my best friend's best friend). I love how small and sweet the world feels lately. I am planning to spend the whole summer on a big blanket in Clark Park, where I will know lots of the other people coming to lie on blankets, and I will try to get them all to play soccer with me.

I was late to the writing club last night because Callie and I were at a murder mystery party at the PMA. It was honestly epic... probably one of the better perks of working in events is that I get invited to events for events people, where venues try to show off and give you free prosecco. Callie ran into a friend who is also my coworker, and none of us knew how we were connected until we were solving a murder together. The world is small and sweet

Tonight I will board amtrak and see Ashley and eat Mexican food :) I can't wait to play with Margot and splash in the creek. Work is so stressfull but everything else is so nice, which tell me that once work is done being stressful I will have the best summer ever.

4.24.25

Hello Flounder nation