Diary 2.16.26 - 4.07.26

4.7.26

'Cooked' for the first time in 6 weeks (stove mac and cheese lol). Made me laugh when I realized it had been that long... Literally haven't even fried an egg! I would say Im turning a corner but i have no idea if thats true. For now I am really loving my mac and cheese and playing scooby-do with Margot (in which we chase each other in a circle and peer around the corner, then run the other way).

4.6.26

Lately I've just been living on impulses, taking whatever's in front of me. This is how I end up not sleeping enough, eating only random crap, taking weed gummies promptly at 5pm. I lost some of my favorite jewelry on Friday. Carelessness! But I'm not really upset with myself. If ever I could lean into loserdom, it is now. There's something nice about knowing exactly why I feel so bad and accepting the bad feelings.

3.31.26

Drove myself to newfound levels of crazy at the end of last week. Feeling like in some ways I was rewarded for letting myself get cuckoo with it. but also... how long will I be on this rollercoaster... I miss my old life and not being crazy

These next 6 weeks are by far the busiest of the year for me work-wise. There aren't enough hours in the day for everything I have to do... I'm behind and overwhelmed. I will probably make a lot of mistakes and have a bad time as the peak approaches. But after the peak, I am free... I have hardly any work assignments over the summer, and I've decided not to take any classes. So the summer will be: Alaskan cruise with my mom, Quebec cameo, misc camping and hiking, huge Spain trip. And also some sad and hard things I won't mention. But lots to look forward to for sure.... for sure for sure....

3.25.26

Up late haunted by visions. woke up angry and nauseous. is this the anger phase?

3.23.26

Big weekend with nice weather :) on friday I gave myself early dismissal to drink orange wine with applesauce and watch a really whackadoodle basement show. I forgot how much I like house shows! They are the optimal environment for meeting new people

Hike w maya followed by epic siob birthday was kind of the perfect Saturday... Kayla and I discovered how awesome pinball is. Only started getting weird at the lesbian club for somewhat obvious reasons. Being desirable to women is much harder in my experience... makes me feel like such a neckbeard lol. But we can worry about that in a couple of months

Darkness came for me on Sunday, but I still did my laundry and saw a movie with my movie friend. I am proud of myself for doing things and trying even though my baseline is so sad. Summer is coming...

3.18.26

Went to the gym and my condition improved immensely. Damn lol

3.17.26

Sudden turn for the crazy these past couple of days. pray that i can keep it together... I called out of work today due to craziness

I move back and forth, towards and away from reality. when dissociated, I inspect my life apathetically. "so this is how it has all turned out? Weird..." When embodied, I cry and panic. "oh no oh no, the person I was thinking of... is me!!"

Maybe I should be seeking spiritual leadership. I want advice, but I am a tough audience right now. Anything negative about him feels degrading towards me, and anything positive about future love sounds like a lie. I just want the pain to alleviate

Gotta get back on my walking grind

3.16.26

y'all mind if I sad post... Delusion fading and leaving me in a pit of despair </3 finding comfort in old journals, remembering I have been more or less the same person since I was 16 and that she predates this relationship, if only by a couple of years. its hard not to feel shame and regret, questioning everything... but it's not like I've been unhappy this whole time... I wanted so badly for the life I was moving towards to realize. oh well :(

Grateful for ashley and margot and watching the circle with vape in bed. Friendship is the meaning of life lowkey and I am glad that I didn't neglect mine while in partnership

3.9.26

Worked late on friday and then all day saturday. am glad to have the first of my spring events done. nothing terrible happened and i got to hang out with my coworker from a previous job so I'll call it a win

Very life affirming sunday. suburban breakfast, 9 mile walk with the bros, love and sex talk at the white people cantina. Got home and sat on the porch with my friend for breakup talk with beer and pepsi. Girl who is going to be okay...

Found a journal and now need a new reason to walk. Thinking I will see a movie in old city tonight and walk home. Life right now is all about walking and walking and walking. I am so excited for the camino

3.4.26

Today I began the search for a new journal. I have been to two stores so far and found nothing satisfactory. I have two blank ones at home but they are both from ireland (and also giving ireland, green, celtic harp, etc) and we are rebranding, the dream of ireland having died... What I really want is a Paperblanks, something shimmery and ornate. When I was in Germany, I spent all my time in the town bookstore journaling and drinking 2 euro coffee from the machine. They sold Paperblanks there, so all my exchange diaries are Paperblanks. I am reaching exchange levels of journaling, so it feels fitting. I could order one online, but my favorite hobby right now is walking with my headphones on and listening to the Smiths or Radiohead or some depressing shit like that. So I will keep trying walking and trying...

3.2.26

Brain is doing weird things to cope. I shower and think, he is waiting for me in bed. I clean the bathroom and think, he will be glad I cleaned. I dream that he is waking me up sweetly, and expect to feel him beside me. A little forgetting as a treat

I still feel proud and defensive about him and our relationship. I wonder if that will fade

2.26.26

Was granted a short lease extension so I have more time to think about what to do next. Felt like things were really working for me when that came through and when I was granted an extra day off during the vermont trip. Pivoting from ireland to a week on the Camino also feels like things falling into place. I like to think I am being taken care of during a difficult time.

Vermont was so nice. I love Kayla and Kaylas parents and the hot tub in the snow. We cross-country skied 6 miles up a big hill and got really good soup at an off-grid cabin at the top. I kept crashing and falling on the way down because I am uncoordinated and couldn't slow down. By the end I was so exhausted that the exhaustion felt like a prize that lasted me all night. I'm still a teeny bit sore.

Coming home after a long, rough drive to see all his stuff gone was really hard. Ashley called me just as I was collapsing into floor sobs and I was like. is she psychic...

2.23.2026

Tomorrow will be the 2 week anniversary of ending my 7 year long relationship... maybe it's the von trapp brewing talking but I actually think im doing awesome considering... a lady talking to me and kayla at the bar paused to tell us that we both, in different ways, radiate joy at being here and alive. Radiating joy 2 weeks out from the biggest catastrophe of my life so far... OK. Also I've been reading Eat Pray Love

2.22.2026

Absolutely epic day at the von trapp family lodge. Exactly how Maria would have wanted

2.18.2026

At my cubicle scheduling tours for the smallest most terrible apartments and wanting to kms so badly

right back in my studio like it's 2021

fake choke gesture

2.16.2026

Day 2 done and mostly I've been thinking I'm the strongest and most brave person alive. Sometimes I panic and then I remember at least he's not dead